northernriverscoachingandcounselling

Can't Stand your Boss? 4 Simple Tips to help you to De-Stress

Fri, 09 Oct 2020 02:30:21 GMT

As we all start to get back to work, the uncertainty of a rising unemployment rate combined with the need to "play catch-up" from companies whose profits have been seriously impacted by recent events can create some unique stressors in the workplace.

Under stress, we do not behave at our best. We become irritable and intolerant of others and we also become less conscious of how we are coming across to others. So too do our managers, who - yes, should by rights know better, but sadly are vulnerable to the same human flaws such as stress responses (did I say that? No I wouldn't say something like that..) and blind spots.

We have all experienced an encounter of some sort, where our boss has left a lasting, negative experience which we can't seem to shake off. That comment during the meeting, the unfair treatment, the lack of real care or authenticity, or that condescending look. Let's face it. It hurts, hurts bad, and lasts a lot longer than we care to admit.

Now I'm not going to write about how a manager needs to demonstrate situational awareness, agility, resilience, inspiring people skills and a deep and genuine interest and concern for the wellbeing of their team members. That's all fine, but there are plenty of leadership blogs and executive coaches ready out there to transform all you business leaders into shining lights of the working world.

I'm going to offer instead 4 suggestions to keep you grounded, less impacted, and potentially inspired by your boss's bad behaviour. Because they will have their bad days, no matter how much they pay an executive coach to help them. That's just going to keep on happening, it is human nature.

1) Remember you have a Choice.

When did you forget this? A long time ago (potentially) you made a decision to join this company. You decided to accept an offer of employment. Perhaps you needed the money. Perhaps also, you felt excited about the vision and shared values of the business. You might have been inspired by the person who hired you. But in the end it was your choice. Nobody is forcing you to get out of bed and come to work in a job you hate, doing meaningless work for someone you can't stand. Perhaps you resent the fact that they are very wealthy and you are not, despite the fact that you helped them to get rich through your efforts.

Here's the good news. At any time, you can leave. You have a choice.

So what's really stopping you? Is it fear of not having a job? Are you financially vulnerable? That's OK and completely understandable, particularly in this climate. So perhaps you can have a quiet look at your finances and make a decision about doing something different. Maybe you can have a look at other roles out there. There's nothing illegal about doing that.

Maybe after some review of job opportunities in the market, you might make the observation that you are in the best place to be right now. But still this annoying boss is making your life hell. They are all you think about, night and day. How can you improve things in your current state?

2) What's Your Contribution to this "bad manager" situation? Work that out and deal with it.

Many of my clients suffer from what I call "bad manager syndrome". They have a terrible boss, then they leave and start a new job in a magical environment of lollipops and sunshine where nobody is mean or unkind to each other, the customers are easy to work with, and everyone shares the same love of the organisational vision. It's just a dream environment to work in.

For about six months. Before the new person starts who presents as a threat, or the amazingly supportive boss starts to pick on them again. And hey presto! Another bad manager. Someone to blame for all the things we refuse to take personal responsibility for.

This pattern can be pervasive and destroy careers. So it is worth taking inventory at some point to say "What's my role in this racket?".

Are you being too accommodating? Too fearful of saying No, or speaking up when you should? Suffering from "Group Think" at meetings? Participating in quiet resentment and wishing you had the courage to speak up earlier? If you only felt a bit more - worthy?

Taking on board responsibility for your role in the conflict is absolutely critical. If you don't do this, even if you leave this will follow you into the next job. And the next one. And the next one. Just like relationships. Perhaps it's time to look in the mirror at what you need to "own" here. And a good career counsellor or coach can gently help you to work on this. It's actually a really good, empowering feeling to get on top of these less conscious trouble spots. You literally feel more free, and empowered because you aren't projecting your "stuff" onto someone else any more.

The first thing you will notice is that your boss, while still not perfect, will appear less threatening and obnoxious. Because you have a new perspective - you are being the real you, and not some whiny imitation. You might notice that your boss will also play less on your mind, and occupy your thoughts in a negative way so much. And you might find yourself being "heard" a little more at work as well.

3) Imagine your boss is your customer.

In many employer-employee relationships, there is a terrible parent-child dynamic which plays out. In the theatre that unfolds, one of the antagonists (parent) expresses a certain over-zealous level of power, entitlement and control over the actions of the other (child). Equally the employee (child) expresses resentment, frustration, entitlement to their role, and a feeling of being misunderstood - and responds with resistance, negativity, sulking, emotional outbursts, and ultimately drop offs in performance.

This is clearly an unhealthy relationship, full of what we call "maladaptive coping strategies" such as absenteeism, blame, bullying and disrespectful behaviour. Hard to get things done at all, quite frankly.

In business we have very little tolerance for a badly behaving manager that we have to work for. But on the other hand, our clients can do no wrong. In fact if a client is having a bad day we are more likely to ask ourselves "what can I do to help them?" We just don't seem as attached to their bad mood for some reason. We are trained to provide them with customer service excellence, and deliver an experience that they will appreciate long afterwards.

So let's try something a little different. Imagine you have started your own business. Your CV demonstrates your product and service offerings, and you have just won some work with a new client - your employer. The job description provided to you by your employer is a list of business needs that they have, which they have decided you can help them with, within a budget they are prepared to pay.

Your contract is for 12 months - and it is worth the total of one year's salary to you. You are required to meet the business needs contained within the job description, and in exchange they will pay out the value of the contract, in equal monthly instalments. At the end of 12 months, they can decide to extend your contract or go to market to find another provider.

Your key contact at this client is your immediate manager.

How would you behave differently? And why is this so?

I would bet that you would feel more in control of your choices, and less likely to blame others for a bad relationship at work. You might be a little more considered in your responses because customers are important to your business.

Many of my clients who I have suggested this approach to have reported back that almost immediately, their workplace relationship with their manager improved. They said that they actually had more empathy for them, when treating them like a customer.

4) Nothing lasts forever.

In many cultures, we are taught the lesson of impermanence - that things don't last forever. Things just arise, and pass away. Situations, moods, feelings of comfort, discomfort, pleasurable sensations or unpleasant situations.

In meditation or mindful practice, we try to practice unattachment - observing the sensations on the body while they rise, and pass away, not reacting with craving, or aversion. Simply a feeling of equanimity. This calms the body, the mind and the nervous system as we regain an awareness of what is going on around us.

Using our breath, we focus on some very specific things happening in the body - including any emotional response to an unpleasant moment happening outside of us. We experience this for what it is - a short term, unpleasant thought, feeling or sensation which we pay attention to - and then watch it disappear. Rather than being lost in some trance or daze, we are calm but acutely aware and focused on the present moment.

Now I am not suggesting that during an awkward moment with your boss when you are feeling intimidated, that you will somehow manage to breathe in a meditative way in front of them without reacting. But if they seem upset, especially if they seem a little more upset than the situation calls for, it is quite OK to say to them:

"You seem a bit upset. Is everything OK?"

9 times out of 10, I can guarantee you that what they say next provides some context for their mood that has nothing to do with you. In fact I would not be surprised if they are grateful for your enquiry, and open up to you a little more.

It is our irrational fear that somehow if we upset this person or let them down that we will somehow lose our jobs. Our safety and security needs become threatened and we start to behave in ways that quite frankly we aren't proud of. We either get angry and resentful, or we become overly meek and compliant. We seem to lose ourselves in our emotions. So try to breathe, slow down and ask your boss a question, like the one above, or perhaps:

Sure, did you want to talk about this now?

That sounds strange - what's happened?

When would a good time for you be to go through this?

So that while they are talking to you, you start to recover a bit of conscious control over how you are feeling.

Other times you might need time to gather your thoughts and calm your anxious mind before engaging with your boss, rather than trying to survive a hostile conversation right now. So you can ask for a moment.

Happy to talk about that with you. I just need a minute to finish something up, is that OK?

Sure, let me just grab something from my desk.

I'm just heading out to get a coffee, did you want me to bring you one back?

This has the effect of allowing a little time to pass so that the likelihood of any stress responses impacting the conversation is minimised. It is very common for any angry feelings to dissipate within a few minutes, leaving a bit of space for a more constructive conversation.

Finally, it is worth noting that we often find ourselves at work, having to engage with people who are different from us, and who we would not necessarily include in our social circles. Having a strong awareness of what is important to us, the fact that we have a choice in everything we do, as long as we are prepared for the consequences, and the fact that early experiences in life tend to set up certain triggers for us if we are not mindful and conscious in the present moment, will certainly help us to manage most interpersonal conflicts effectively. It is worth looking in the mirror sometimes, to check if the bad behaviour is indeed not originating from another person, but from within ourselves.

Anxiety? Try getting back to nature for a bit.....

Fri, 09 Oct 2020 02:30:19 GMT

What if you knew in your heart that nothing out there intended to hurt or harm you? How would that feel?

Anxiety, in the face of a real danger or threat, is a very good thing indeed. Our blood changes, our heart rate increases, our senses become heightened and our body transforms itself into a high performance machine, capable of running faster, fighting more ferociously, lifting heavier things, or even hiding quietly sometimes.

We can use anxiety before a big performance like a presentation, interview, or sporting contest to "psych ourselves up" and deliver an outstanding larger than life performance. Anxiety can in fact be a very good thing and extremely helpful to our survival.

However many of us (close to 15% of Australians) will experience an episode of an anxiety disorder this year. It's the most common diagnosable mental illness by a long way - more than double the prevalence of depression. And many more of us will experience something similar - not quite diagnosable, but still scary symptoms of a racing heart, shivery feelings, overwhelming fear, sweating, dizziness and generally feeling terrible. The difference with an anxiety disorder is that there is no threat or danger present - things just become scary and unmanageable. Often to the point where we run, hide, freeze, avoid, procrastinate, get in trouble at work, or become simply exhausted and unable to function.

Fortunately, anxiety disorders are very easy to diagnose, they are so common and natural that there is no need to feel any stigma or shame about having one, and they are able to be treated very successfully. Treatment usually involves some regular sessions with a psychologist or counsellor who will teach very specific skills to help you to manage and calm these awful symptoms, and often medication is helpful to get you into a state of readiness for your therapy sessions - which are more like personal training sessions for your mind.

Once treatment and recovery are underway, there are some very enjoyable lifestyle options that will help you to feel a lot better. One way in particular is getting back to nature - visiting the bush, a park, the beach, or the countryside. In the evening, candlelight or the flicker of a campfire or open fire can be very restful because of the melatonin that gets stimulated within us, which helps us to sleep (unlike phone screens or tablets).

Camping in the outdoors offers us both these options and there is a wonderful benefit to doing this. You realise gradually that there is nothing out there that really wants to deliberately hurt or harm you - in fact most creatures in the bush would be quite happy to stay away from you provided you don't disturb them. The feeling of being exposed in the outdoors, but safe and comfortable, is something everyone should experience.

There are of course some basic ground rules for staying safe in the bush and around fires, but if we apply our conscious "wise mind" and seek the support of others if we lack experience, generally we will be safe and secure. For those who live with anxiety problems, this is a very helpful practice, coming back to "wise mind" and experiencing how it feels to manage those unhelpful feelings of fear and dread, while you calm the mind.

The other night we lit one of our burn piles at the property when we had some great friends staying with us for the weekend. The neighbours came over to join us and it was a really fun night. At some point I ventured off to a dark area of the paddock to collect some logs for the fire, where we had stacked them after some tree lopping a few years earlier. As I approached the logs I started to become fearful that maybe I would disturb a snake and that I might get bitten in the dark. As I carefully rolled away each log, I checked to make sure I wasn't disturbing anything. I checked each log before picking them up and returning to the fire. Fortunately, no reptile revealed itself - truthfully they probably weren't even there in the first place.

As someone who suffers occasionally from anxiety, it was a great feeling for me returning to the fire, grateful for my friends and neighbours, the full moon lighting up the night sky and the fact that I had managed a little fear and anxiety, by focusing on being fully present and conscious in the moment while I carefully removed the logs from the pile. The affirmation or acknowledgement of gratitude for "right now, I am out in the open at night in front of a fire with good friends, a beautiful night, and nothing presently wishes to harm or hurt me" seemed appropriate to reflect on.

In our anxious, waking lives, much energy is wasted on perceived enemies, threats and dangers which we create in our minds. Mindfulness is a great helper in reducing this wasted energy, and there are not too many better places to practice mindfulness than out in nature. Next time you go for a walk on the beach or out in the bush, try practising this affirmation and see how it feels. "Right now, nothing around me presently wishes to harm or hurt me. I am safe and secure, enjoying my moment experiencing the natural environment". I hope this helps. And if you have been thinking about seeing someone to help you with anxious feelings for a while, why not pick up the phone to a counsellor or your GP for a chat about things. You won't regret it.

Take the Stairs

Fri, 09 Oct 2020 02:28:54 GMT

Most of our lives are spent pursuing the path of least resistance. The method which offers up the most economy of effort. The lifestyle or workplace relationship that involves the least hassle, or conflict. We tend to do what is easiest.

That is not to say we don't sometimes make life unnecessarily hard for ourselves. But that usually involves avoiding some truth, some uncomfortable and confronting experience where we might feel some shame or embarrassment. This avoidance, if not dealt with completely can seriously impact us and others around us. And worse - this can lead to something much more dangerous - denial. At this point we have lost insight into what is really happening, and instead we start to convince ourselves that everything is OK. We start to believe our own bullshit.

At this point we might notice others starting to give up on us. It's not worth pointing out that we are heading down a path of misery, because we would never believe them or agree with them anyway. At work, people just start to tell us what we want to hear. And if we are in leadership roles, that has a serious impact on the wider company culture.

It seems easier to avoid conflict. To escape embarrassment or awkwardness. But sometimes, the path of least resistance ends up being much harder in the longer term.

Whether you are refusing to address a health problem, a financial problem, or a relationship problem, it will strike you that the avoidance is short lived as a strategy for comfort or reduced pain and suffering. What we resist persists, as Carl Jung famously said.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes taking the less comfortable road can produce an outcome that requires much less effort in the longer term? So we get up early and make it to the gym. The yoga mat. The road, the bench, the punching bag, or the swimming pool. The rest of the day feels a lot more comfortable afterwards, because we have stimulated some chemistry within us that builds on our resilience. We've also invested a tiny bit in our self esteem, and we allow ourselves a moment of gratitude or pride in having accomplished something - just for us.

The evidence of investment in those "stairs" is beyond doubt. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Beating those step challenges. Or simply going for a walk - maybe one that involves a few stairs or a steeper incline on the hill. The benefits to our mental and physical health are many.

Where are the opportunities in other areas of your life where you might choose to "take the stairs"? Here's a few examples I heard about when asking others this question recently:

- Apologising to your partner for being obnoxious last night - even though it was a two way street

- Confronting your boss with some concerns about the direction the company might be taking that is out of sync with your values

- Jumping on the scales

- Speaking to your doctor about your drinking, or another health problem that is causing you some fear and shame

- Ringing that client whose business you are worried about losing

- Calling your Mum!

It doesn't matter what it is, there is always something within each of us where we know we haven't "taken the stairs" and if we can look in the mirror, with love and a smile, maybe a wink to ourselves, and say "it's time", we will never look back.

Life can, and should feel easier. There is way too much dysfunctional stress experienced within most of us to be considered healthy. However most of that stress comes from being conflicted - knowing we should say something or take some action, but worrying about the consequences - and avoiding doing the right thing. If we can remember that taking the stairs sometimes can not only be good for us, but feel good as well (maybe not during but certainly afterwards!) - then hopefully life will start to feel a lot easier.

Have a great week and enjoy your moment on the stairs.

Cheers - Greg

Fill the tank - a reflection on motivation and burnout

sofia.bryan@localsearch.com.au (Localsearch WebServices) — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 02:26:39 GMT

So you’ve got a great idea. A real winner. It could make a fortune, not to mention a huge contribution to your community. All you have to do is – meh…. who am I kidding. Back to the couch, back to certainty, back to – mediocrity.

Does this sound familiar?

Someone once told me there is a total of $30 trillion floating around the global exchange of money across our economies every second. If we knew how to tap into it, it would be like picking fruit from a tree. Money is a kind of energy, and like all forms of energy, money doesn’t diminish, it simply changes its form. If you’ve noticed a reduction in your money lately, chances are it is has popped up somewhere else – and into the account of someone else.

Despite a change in appearance or form, a fundamental natural law is that energy remains constant.

I certainly notice my energy levels ebb and flow, depending on what I’m putting into my body (or not) and how much time I spend focusing on other people’s needs to take energy from me. Presumably there is a difference between making a positive contribution to someone else’s life, and letting them needlessly take energy from me. And that is my decision – not to regulate my own energy levels.

I think of motivation as a kind of fuel which drives us. Most motoring enthusiasts will understand that if we drive around in our car with the fuel tank close to empty, with an orange light flickering at us, daring us to drive a little bit further, that the car will not perform at an optimal level. In fact anything under half a tank is not advisable.

This scenario is comparable to us operating under stress, not paying attention to warning signs that things are not good. Somehow we have been too busy, distracted or inattentive to notice that orange light is on, and we need to stop and fill the tank.

When our “tank” is empty, we will fall short of our expectations in completing certain tasks purely because we just don’t have the energy – and this makes us feel worse. Perhaps we also lose sight of our purpose, because we are too focused on how tired we are. This is a very realistic situation for many of us and can be described as being in a state of burnout.

Burnout occurs after prolonged periods of “running on empty” – driving around with our orange light on. And just like the vehicle, even after filling up the car with fuel, there are a few hiccups and false starts before the engine starts to fire again. It’s hard to find a nourishing enough fuel to start us up if we have let things run out this far.

When our tank is half full or better, we will make better decisions, be more resilient in the face of adversity or setbacks, and have discretionary effort which we can willingly provide to others, making a contribution to something bigger than ourselves. Less than half a tank and we start to lose our self-awareness, make silly comments, become upset more easily, lose our resilience and our ability to cope with sudden change or setbacks, and make poorer decisions.

At the burnout stage we become cynical, disengaged, don’t make any decisions, resort to blame and envy, and we just stop. Inertia, apathy, a lack of care – all of this just takes over and overwhelms us.

Perhaps a better approach would be to ensure we don’t drop below “half a tank”. During our working week, we will engage in activities that fill the tank, and also in activities which deplete the tank.

What do you do that “fills the tank”? And then what do you notice yourself doing that depletes the tank?

It would be unrealistic to expect to be always filling the tank. We need to expend energy as much as we take energy in, otherwise we would explode! However just as we put on something warm when we are cold, or eat when we are hungry, it is important for us to be filling the tank before it gets low or empty.

And that is a discipline which could mean 20 minutes a day of pleasurable activity or self-care, or two to three times a week when we allow ourselves to rest, rejuvenate, move our bodies, spend time with friends, read a book, or other activities - whatever we need.

Everyone is different, and their routine of self-care is different. However we (and those around us) will benefit if we pay a little more attention to filling the tank on a regular basis. And you might find it is easier to access the motivation you need to achieve your goals.

Time to take stock of your Personal Inventory

sofia.bryan@localsearch.com.au (Localsearch WebServices) — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 02:19:21 GMT

One of the benefits of being stuck at home a little more these days is that we can actively take time to reflect. However there are a lot of forces - internal and external - which prevent us from allowing a bit of down time in our day. Mindfulness seems to be limited to a 20 minute app session if you are lucky, and then it is in to top gear of the "monkey mind" for most of the day, along with the usual distractions and anxieties.

Many of us are wondering right now what we will do about employment and generating income again. It's a scary thing. However there is an old saying "we can't control what happens much of the time, but we have total control about how we respond to what happens".

Perhaps before the restrictions and social distancing started, you were in a job you didn't really like. But because it paid the bills, you put it out of your mind and got on with it, not noticing that a little piece of your soul was being taken every day, and Mondays just felt like an impossible mountain of despair to climb. Perhaps you felt unwell or had unusual aches and pains leading into the work week.

It's quite likely these restrictions will go on for a few more months which might mean our credit gets squeezed and money becomes painfully tight. However banks, landlords, agencies of all shapes and sizes are trying to offer some relief for this. We will get through this tough time, but wouldn't it be sad if after all this time we went back to work and nothing changed? We hadn't refreshed our perspective, hadn't taken time out to reflect on what was working and not working in our lives, and used some strengths to set new goals and challenges for when life returned to normal?

If we can adopt an attitude that basically accepts:

1) We can't change what's happening

2) There are a few positives in all this

3) We have time to reflect on what's happening, who we really are, and what we like to do;

Then we have a real opportunity to set ourselves up for success with some clear goals, an exciting vision and the motivation to achieve what we set out to do.

Next week I will post a challenge for you called "The Personal Inventory". It's basically a template for coming up with a description of your ideal work environment, and a way of measuring your current role against your ideal work environment. The Personal Inventory helps you to consider different roles or career changes, and gives them a score out of 30 against the ideal work environment.

Now in 20 years I've never seen anyone score higher than 26/30. And that was very unusual. Here are a few measures for you to consider:

22/30 or better feels like you are jumping out of bed every morning, looking forward to going to work.

15/30 (plus or minus 1) is what I call "the stuck zone". You don't know if you want to leave or stay, if a recruiter called you up you might be interested. You're probably staying for the money and have disengaged from the role.

9/30 or worse is "Get me outta here!".

If you are keen, start to make a list of what's working or not working in your current role - and how you actually feel about that.

See you next week!

Cheers

Greg